D/s from a distance
Kount and I are in a long-distance D/s dynamic. Here’s how we are building it.
By now, most of you know I’ve been in a D/s dynamic with Kount since December of last year. What you all may not be as aware of is that we are actually long-distance: Kount lives in Texas, and I live in Maryland.
I find that some folks don’t know that long-distance D/s dynamics are available to them, so I want to talk about what that looks like for us and how we make ours work.
Why choose a long-distance power exchange dynamic?
I’m gonna be That Girl and answer that with a question: “Why not choose one?”
One thing I’ve talked about here and on Instagram is the numbers game of finding a compatible D-type to be in a power exchange dynamic with. There are simply more submissives ready for a dynamic than there are good, qualified, healthy D-types. That means that many of us who desire a dynamic may never find our match, or won’t find one for a long while.
I was already done with limiting myself to only cishet male Doms (something I also discuss in my latest audio dispatch). Why would I limit myself only to Doms who are local or hyperlocal to me? I had already tried that, and Kount was one of the folks in the Black Queer Dom Society who truly became a friend to me, someone I can depend on. Why not explore what was possible with someone with whom I had already built trust and connection? I wouldn’t know unless I tried.
Also, to know me is to know that I appreciate my alone time and value the freedom to create my own space to move around and grow. In-person 24/7 total power exchange dynamics can be wonderful, and, at this point in my life, I know that structure is not for me and would likely leave me feeling overstimulated. So, I decided to give a long-distance dynamic a try.
The Gift of ESP
When Kount and I began talking through how we would build the structure of our dynamic last October, we decided that it would be centered on my Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical development–something we call ESP for short. For the first 3 months of our dynamic, much of the service I provided involved remaining committed to my growth: I agreed to move my body 3 times a week for at least 30 minutes, submit my writing to publications and fellowships, and meditate 2-3 times a week. There was also required reading: the essays from Pleasure Activism that we have been reading together for several months, along with The Ritual of Dominance and Submission by David English. I would also need to provide video or photo evidence of my workouts (here’s an example of what that can look like).
5 months later, I can say that this approach has helped me grow and learn so much about myself, not only as a submissive but as a woman, artist, and professional committed to growth. I’ve become a better writer because, in addition to maintaining this substack, I also make time to write my other fiction and non-fiction projects, and share my work for publication. I also incorporate self-tying into my meditation time to strengthen that skill while getting my mind right for the day ahead. Committing to this routine also hammers home the first rule for a submissive in a D/s dynamic: protect the property.
It also helps build a deeper sense of trust and accountability between Kount and me, because if They can trust me to take care of myself, then surely They can trust me to be in service to Them. So the work of taking care of myself and creating a routine became my first task, and other duties that were in direct service to Kount followed soon after.
Long-Distance Service
Since Kount and I live in different cities, the service I provide looks different than it would if They were local to me. I can’t provide domestic services like cooking or organizing, but I can provide Kount with administrative services that make their life easier. This can include things like doing some preliminary research for an upcoming move, creating a slide deck for a workshop They are leading, or researching and bookmarking Black-owned businesses to support when we travel together.
When we are in person, I do things like iron Their clothing, maintain the itinerary and schedule, and provide tea and dinner service when we attend events such as the upcoming La Nuit Noire hosted by the Black Queer Dom Society. And while I enjoy doing those tasks for them, what I like most about the more administrative service I provide from a distance is how often it requires me to employ the skills and talents I’m already good at.
I am a communications professional and writer for hire in my vanilla life, so being able to make a quick graphic, write up a much-needed bio or workshop description, or even provide suggestions for how they can promote their upcoming performances comes naturally to me. It also helps me flex my professional skills–something that is extremely helpful to me as a comms professional who is actively seeking work.
In that way, I’ve found that building a long-distance dynamic that includes service submission benefits us both. Kount feels supported in Their daily life and work are a little easier because of the service I provide. In turn, the administrative service I provide reminds me of the skills and talents I have built over the course of my career, and it helps me regain confidence, especially during weeks when I receive several rejection letters from organizations or companies I was interested in.
So, there is an unexpected benefit for me within this dynamic: being reminded through service submission that I am worthy, creative, and smart, with invaluable skills and talents.
The Ritual of Connection, Near and Far
Letter-writing is a love language for me, so I have integrated it into our dynamic so Kount and I can stay connected while we are apart. Every week, I write them my “Weekly (Sub) Missive,” a newsletter of sorts which provides updates about my ongoing service tasks, reading assignments, vanilla updates, and any feelings that come up during the week. Sometimes I even give them updates on my dating life, funny things that happened, or a piece of media I enjoyed that I may want to share with Them.
We happen to have birthdays in the same month, so this year, I put my creative skills to work. I made them their favorite pastry–a cinnamon crumb cake they requested two months prior, that I began testing before making it for them. I also took some cute pictures of myself in traditional submissive poses for their eyes only. Finally, I wrote a letter with the calligraphy kit they bought me as a gift at the beginning of our dynamic. I wanted to use my creativity to show my devotion to them.
They have done similar things: I have two pieces of leather inscribed with one of their honorifics for me: a keychain that I immediately added to my car key ring, and a leather travel bag that I use to fit inside my work tote or luxury bags. Both of these make me feel close to Them in their absence since they are both signs of their devotion to me. Symbolically, Kount’s energy goes with me everywhere, whether I am wearing Their collar or not.
We also do a facetime check-in every two weeks, and when our schedules don’t quite make that possible, we always manage an impromptu facetime call every week or so, just so we can lay eyes on each other and catch up.
When we are in person, Kount and I build in time to bond and enjoy each other’s company outside of play and power exchange. The structure and ritual remain intact –I do not touch any doorknob or car door, and I am only to speak to others when permitted, for instance– but we go to book stores, museum events, or just out to dinner when we are together. We have agreed to a nonsexual dynamic, but there is still plenty of romance in the way we are together (I’ve written about a universal approach to romance before). They always have a small gift for me, and we make time for an Italian ice run in any city we are in. We take time to cuddle while resting or after playtime, and generally to make memories together as any romantic couple or set of friends would.
We maintain our connection in small, thoughtful, meaningful ways that remind each other of our full humanity. The things that make us laugh, make us pissed off, or make us feel like a carefree teenager again.
I often return to my favorite disco song, “You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)” by Sylvester. If someone were to ask me how this long-distance dynamic feels, that song describes it well. I am fortunate to be in a dynamic that makes me feel seen, as if everything I am is celebrated and valued, even from miles away.
And that is more important to me than anything else.