Vetting for Values

I ain't goin back and forth with a nigga about Kevin Samuels in my good clothes. Here's how I avoid that discomfort.

You gotta know when to say: “it’s a chop.”

I’ve heard it before: a girl matches with guy. guy texts girl, and after maybe a few days or a week, guy asks a girl to meet for drinks. Girl gets all dressed up, maybe plucks her eyebrows or shaves her legs, meets guy at a local bar….then 30 minutes into the date, girl finds out about guys’ devotion to Kevin Samuels, or worse, he’s a Trump supporter. Girl goes back and forth with guy about “High-Value Men” in the middle of a bar.

Or: girl messages a very queer and trans-inclusive girl. Queer girl looks at the girl’s profile…and comes to find out, while they have loads in common, one thing stands out: the girl who messages her is adamant about their stance on “real biological women.” Now, Queer Girl has some choices to make about whether she wants to engage with this person any further.

These two scenarios are common in both kink and dating, and I find that values alignment is key, no matter what your gender, sexual orientation, or side of the slash you identify as. I prefer to know that our values and most of our political leanings align, and I want to have a good sense of this before meeting in person. After all, I’m not about to leave my house for a date or to meet a Dom or Top at a munch and end up going back and forth with a nigga about Tory Lanez, Diddy, or Bill Cosby at my favorite cocktail bar.

If we are talking about kink, this is important to me for a few reasons, particularly if I am interested in a scene and, especially, a D/s dynamic with someone. Let me give some examples; let’s say we are talking about a story that involves a powerful man being accused of or indicted for sexual assault, such as Bill Cosby. A potential Dominant’s views and thoughts about that case may tell me something about how much value they place on consent, their understanding of rape culture, and their ability to believe and support victims. I need to know we are on the same page about those things before I engage with them more intimately.

Or, if the subject is, say, Tory Lanez shooting Megan Thee Stallion. Yes, I do need to know if you sympathize with and support a man who pulled out a gun and shot at a Black woman. I need to know if your knee-jerk reaction is to blame the victim. And I need to know that you do not make excuses for violence of any kind, but especially violence against Black women (and yes, I include Black Trans women in that group. In this house, trans women are women).

As a queer Black woman, values alignment can truly make or break a connection. If it is a sapphic romantic connection, then knowing if we are aligned in terms of our ties to the queer community, romantic attraction to women, and trans rights becomes very important. I need to know that the girl I want to date is culturally queer, and sees her queerness as a culture and an identity as well as a sexual orientation. It’s no longer enough to just like kissing girls, as that opens the door to some internalized homophobia.

If I am engaging with a cishet man, I need to know that they are not holding on to homophobia or transphobia. I need to know that I am safe around him, and that my queer and trans friends and comrades are too. I am most aligned with the kind of men who would defend queer folks with their lives if it came down to it; I want to be around men who are accomplices, and not just mere allies.

When I first connected with my husband, I told him in my first few conversations that I was queer. Not only was he cool about it, but it also opened up a dialogue about how important trans rights and protecting Black trans women from violence were to him, because he was in community with queer and trans folks. I knew then that he was a keeper.

Another thing about me: my career has been either directly in left-leaning politics or politics-adjacent for most of my career, and I’ve voted in every election I could since I was 18. I don’t expect anyone I vet for dating or for kinky activity to agree with me on every single issue, but when it comes to the issue of the humanity of others, a woman’s right to make her own reproductive choices, and protecting the rights of children, we must agree. If we aren’t, that’s a dealbreaker.

If you want to try vetting for values, here are a few tips and questions to think about:

How much does civic engagement matter to you? If someone said they didn’t vote, would that be a deal breaker for you?

Here is my unpopular opinion: whether someone votes matters less to me than whether or not we are aligned politically. What I’m more likely to ask as a follow-up is: what do you do to make a positive impact on your community? To me, voting isn’t the only way, and it certainly shouldn’t stop there.

Be willing to talk about issues in the news cycle.

Here in the DC area, we are coping with a federal troop occupation since #47 has created a fake crime emergency in the city, despite crime being at a 30-year low. Talking about this issue can reveal what a potential romantic partner, play partner, Dominant, or submissive thinks about the current president, the role of police, and their overall media literacy.

What are your values, and which ones are non-negotiable to you?

If values alignment is something you want to vet for, then you need to be willing to reflect on what your values are, and which ones you are willing to stand on business for if a person you are connecting with ain’t aligned. Take some time to reflect on that, then ask questions that give you insight into the values that your romantic or kinky interests rock with.

Vetting for values can take a bit more time, and it can be frustrating depending on how much being values-aligned in your relationships or dynamics matters to you. I promise you, it’s worth it.

How important is vetting for values to you? Let’s talk about it in the comments.