In the 5 years I’ve been actively polyamorous, I’ve had two major breakups following long-term relationships. Both times, I’ve been asked for some version of closure–a post-relationship conversation about why we broke up–and both times, I’ve said no.
I’m older and wiser now, but when I was performing monogamy in my 20s, I was also asked about closure. The first time, I also said no. The second time, I agreed to the conversation…and I started right back up with a guy who was way too old to be dating 25-year-old me, in the same unhealthy dynamic as before.
Many articles and research support the position that the concept of giving someone closure is as real as the tooth fairy. Studies show that the need for closure is, in fact, an indicator that the person with this need is more inclined to “preserve the status quo,” which in this case means holding on to the relationship because they are not ready to end it. Therapist John Kim also wrote that closure is not something you ask someone else for; it’s something you give to yourself.
So here’s my take: I don’t believe in giving someone closure after a relationship. I think it is a myth that someone else can give you that, and I might even go so far as to say that it is a scam.
First, I have never experienced a request for a closure conversation that was not, in reality, one last-ditch effort to “work things out.” The person asking didn’t want to break up in the first place, and if they did initiate the breakup, they now have regrets and want to see if their credit is still good with their now-former partner, and if there is a chance to spin the block.
The time I said yes to giving the older man closure? I was in Los Angeles at the time, living with my mom after our breakup. We had the conversation, and then he traveled from DC to see me as a Grand Gesture. Well, we ended up having sex, then rekindled the relationship. I moved back to DC until I came to my senses and moved back home to Los Angeles a second time. Nothing had changed–in fact, he had only gotten worse.
Closure may also be an attempt to maintain access to your former partner. Maybe there was a positive feeling you got from your partner that you don’t experience anywhere else. They might have a community or a hobby that you won’t experience with them anymore now that the relationship is over. In any case, once the breakup happens, you aren’t entitled to have access to them, and they aren’t required to give you that access.
Thirdly, expecting your former partner for closure also demands a level of emotional labor from them that they may not be able to give to you. Depending on how a relationship ends, I can sometimes find myself exhausted from trying to make a failing relationship work, or from hoping the other person will change. There is no way I have the emotional energy to extend to the other person to help them process how or why our relationship ended. It isn’t fair to put someone in the position to help you process the breakup when they have their own processing and healing to do. At some point, you gotta do your own work.
As for answering the question “why did we break up?” Most of the time, the person asking knows good and gotdamn well why we broke up, and asking for the answer is just a back-door way to achieve the first two things I laid out above: setting a block spin, or maintaining access to me. When I rejected the request for closure in my 20s the first time, I sent the young man a lengthy email explaining why I told him he needed to go.
But looking back, I didn’t have to do this. I gave the same answers when I initiated the breakup; he must not have heard it over the tantrum he threw when he came to pick up his things. I also requested that he not contact me again, which he honored.
But now, as a polyamorous Black woman in my 40s, I knew I had given those two relationships all I had, and was clear through each of those relationships what I was not cool with and what my boundaries and desires were. They weren’t met, so I left as soon as I realized it wasn’t going to change. Any attempt for closure was ultimately going to mean letting my exes disappoint me again, and the truth is, I was tired.
Closure is definitely something I can give to myself–through journaling, therapy, and simply committing to move forward. Saying no to giving it to someone else is an opportunity to protect my peace and avoid the scam of spinning the block.
Hmm. I don’t know if I’d go so far as to call closure a scam. I’ve had and initiated closure convos that were definitely motivated by my wanting to maintain a status quo. But also, there have been other conversations with partners that shed light on dynamics that I was too oblivious to see for myself. And that was super valuable! And I appreciate the fact that they were willing to talk to me about that, even after they weren’t obligated to do so.
… I don’t know. I feel both ways about this. I don’t think we’re entitled to closure, that doesn’t make sense. At the same time, I’m suspicious of any narrative that’s like, “If someone is asking for closure then that’s always in bad faith.”
I appreciate the article, this is a good convo to have.
Agree wholeheartedly.